Special moments with a future big brother

I absolutely love it when our son Jacob talks about adoption.  I don’t know what it is about it, but when he mentions adoption, it just touches a special part in my heart and I am so happy that it is a part of his life and everyday vocabulary.

Yes, I know it’s been ages since Christmas but I still want to share this sweet story from Christmas.  We had a secret elf who every evening would ring our doorbell and leave a small piece of a nativity set.  It was so fun, and Jacob loved seeing what new nativity character we got.  And I must add, our elf was so sneaky—we couldn’t catch him/her—and we tried.  :)  Anyhow, on Christmas eve, Jacob had already gone to bed by the time we discovered that our sneaky elf had left us our last piece of the nativity set, so on Christmas day after he had opened his presents we told him that the “elf” had brought him one more piece to the nativity.  He got so excited and as he unwrapped it, he discovered it was the baby Jesus.  He looked at it and said, “it’s another Jesus” (b/c of course we had our own nativity set and he had been surrounding our baby Jesus with all of the new pieces of this other nativity set he had been getting, and so apparently he hadn’t realized that every nativity set comes with one).  I replied, that “yes, it was another baby Jesus”, and he said, “Oh, He’s adopted!” and then wedged that new baby Jesus in with the other one for the rest of the members of the nativity set to look at and admire.  It was so sweet.  And my description here really doesn’t do it justice, but I just loved hearing him think out loud as to why there would be two baby Jesus’ in our home—of course it would be because we had adopted another one. 

Another fun moment we had was about a week ago.  Jacob had woken up from a nap and I met him at his door as he was coming out of his room.  He turned and walked backwards to sit in my lap (I just love how he does that) and as he sat in my lap we were facing his room and looking at it through the open doorway.  I asked him “how was your sleep?”  He said, “good”.   And then I mentioned how he was getting pretty big and soon would need a new bed (he still uses his crib—with just the front taken off so he can get in and out, so it is essentially a toddler bed), and then I told him that when we adopted another baby he would get to give his bed to the baby.  He wasn’t ready to give up his bed :)  Stating the “baby was not quite big enough for it”.   But he got so excited thinking the baby would be sleeping with him in his room and right next to his bed.   He got up and showed me where the baby would sleep—maybe right by his bed, or maybe where his rocking chair was, so we needed to move it to make room.  He also chatted on and on about how he would show the baby where the bathroom was and help it go potty in the night, and how he would be so nice to the baby and help out.  It was sweet to catch a glimpse of how magical and fun it will be for him to have a sister or brother and how excited he is for that to happen. 

And then today, out of the blue he was running around the house saying, “I’m going to be a brother!”  It was awesome.  Just like Jacob, I can hardly wait to have another little one in the house.  It will be great to see Jacob running around so happy and excited to be a brother.  I know he will be such a great brother and he and his siblings will have a great time together and have a rich and lasting relationship.   

What is an open adoption?

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This blog has been neglected lately, but I have a 3 yr old who is constantly vying for my attention.  

I thought today I would write about a question I am often asked.  I am often asked if we have an “open” adoption, and when I respond, “yes”, it is often followed up by questions about what an “open” adoption is.  The term “open adoption” is a broad term and different for each family.

Prior to adopting Jacob we attended an adoption conference through our agency.  At the conference there were several birth mothers who shared their experiences and answered questions.  Every one of them had “open” adoptions, but the level of openness was different for each one of them.  Some only exchanged pictures, some of them visited once a year, some more often.  It helped us understand the importance of not committing to a level of openness that we were not willing or comfortable committing to.  .

The birthmothers shared how the thing they feared the most was that the level of openness that had decided upon would not be honored after the adoption was finalized.  Most everyone has this concern and understandably, nobody wants it to happen to them.  This was a concern for Jacob’s birth parents as well.  No one enforces your relationship with one another after placement; it is between you and your child's birthparents.  The tricky thing about adoption is that it wasn’t until after papers were signed and our son was placed with us, would we have the opportunity to prove ourselves and show that we would keep our promise.  Our son's birthparents had to trust us at our word, which is a hard and scary thing to do.  We are thankful they did trust us and I am grateful to have an open adoption with them.  They are great people and respectful towards us, and this helps us maintain the good relationship we have with them. 

So you may be asking, what is our “open” adoption like?  We generally exchange pictures around the holidays or birthdays.   But I also send them when he is doing something fun I think they might like—like playing ball or his first day of school, etc.  We have been able to visit in person with both his birth mother and birth father every year, and that has been fun.  Jacob loves seeing them and loves all the attention he gets from each of them. 

We knew that the first little bit after the adoption would probably be difficult for his birth mother, so we sent messages and pictures more often--even daily for the first week or so, and we told her if she was having a hard day and just wanted to see a picture of Jacob to contact us and we would send her one, etc.   I think she appreciated that and I enjoyed sending her pictures and messages about Jacob. 

The key to having an open adoption is respect and good communication from all parties involved.  And each adoption and situation is different, but we have been happy with our experience in an “open” adoption.

You know I love to talk about Jacob, so I will share a quick story that made my heart smile the other day.  We were having family pictures taken by a girl we know, and as we were driving her home, she asked us if Jacob’s adoption was open  (she was curious, since she was adopted).  We told her that yes we did, and said we had recently visited with his birth mother and birth father.  I then turned to Jacob and asked him if he remembered seeing them.  He said yes and then I asked if he could tell her their names.  He then said, “____ is my birth mother, and _____ is my birth father.  He was smiling and so happy when he mentioned their names, and I was too.  I am glad he knows them and loves them, and that he has felt of their love for him as well.  

Doggedly determined

--> So, yesterday I wrote a depressing post about my frustration with the adoption process and having to wait for someone to choose me.  As I laid on my bed crying and feeling sorry for myself, the thought came to my mind, that the problem was not that someone didn’t want to choose me, but that they hadn’t found me yet.  This thought helped me get off the bed and formulate another plan of action.  I am going to find our child and I will not give up.   Call it perseverance, determination, or call it stubbornness.  On this thing I will not budge.  I will not give up on finding my child or his/her birthparents. 

Obviously, that is what I have been trying to do all along, getting the word out about our adoption so we could be found, but yesterday when things seemed to be at a standstill, I made the mistake of entertaining negative thoughts and questions.  So the next time my mind tries to drag me down and have me entertain the stupid question: “What’s wrong with me?”   I have my answer ready—Nothing!  There’s nothing wrong with me.   Things will work out, I just have to keep at it and not give up.  This isn't about me, this is about my child and those connected with adoption.  Sounds simple enough.  And yes, it sounds a little hard at the same time.  But I can do hard things.  That's where being stubborn about somethings really comes in handy.   

I am not sure what I will do differently or in addition to find our child or to help his/her birth parents find us, but I will persevere through this and I will not give up.

I was curious to read more about what it means to be stubborn, and I liked the definition I found on the internet.  Stubborn:  having or showing dogged determination not to change one's attitude or position on something.  I like the idea of being doggedly determined about adoption. 

We will have more children join our family.  That's all there is to it.   And the whirlwind of excitement and joy and sleeplessness that comes from having another baby in the house will occur and it will all have been worth it. 

Feeling frustrated.

This is the part of adoption that is really hard.  When you are just waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and…well you get the idea.  We have had an adoption profile up for 2 years now in hopes of adopting another child.  I have had a blog, I have told everyone I know about our desire to adopt, I have a public facebook page about our adoption, but here I am 2 yrs later, the day after renewing our home study yet again and I just feel frustrated and deflated with this whole process. 

I try to ignore my mind trying to get me to focus on the unanswerable questions like-- Why do I have to wait so long to have another child?  Why can’t I have any control in building my family?  Why doesn’t anyone choose us?  But there is no answer to those questions and so there is no point in focusing on them.  But it sure is hard not to sometimes.  Like most anything in life, no one else really knows how hard something is until they experience it themselves, and based on our different life experiences, some things are harder for some people.  All I know is that having  no control over the thing I want most, and having to wait and wait to be chosen is a hard thing for me. 

That’s all I have to say.  I don’t feel like writing anything cheery at the moment.  I know on these profiles and blogs I’m supposed to present my best self and “sell” or “market” myself.   But obviously I am not doing a good job, so here I am telling everyone, I am a real, normal, ordinary person who feels so frustrated and sad that I can’t seem to have children join my family no matter how hard I try.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go curl up in bed and finish crying my eyes out.  

3

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As you can see, Jacob is holding up a big #3.  He will be turning 3 pretty soon.  It is crazy to think he will a 3 yr old.  He has been practicing holding up 3 fingers and saying he’s three. 

Since 3 is a magic number

I thought I would makes lists of 3

Places Rob and I have lived:
CA, UT, and TX

# of times we moved in our 1^st yr of marriage: 

3  --from an apt in CA, to an apt in TX, to our current home in TX

# of times it rained during those moves:

you guessed it—3

3 places we have visited:

-Cancun, Mexico

-Australia & New Zealand

-Alaska

3 places I would love to visit;
-Africa

-Maachu Pichu, Peru

-Italy

3 activites Jacob likes

-playing with trucks 

-playing baseball

-riding his bike

3 books Jacob likes:

Caps for sale

Naughty little monkeys

Dingo (Richard Scarcy trucks book)

3 books I like

The Help

Hunger Games

The Hiding Place

3 adult songs Jacob likes

1.     Wildfire by John Mayer  “say, say, say”

2.     Home by Phillip Phillips

3.   I will wait,  by Mumford and Sons

3 kid songs Jacob likes:
       1.  Habia un sapo  (it’s a Spanish song)

    2.   Hot Dog hot dog, hot diggidy dog

        3.  Shake your sillies out

3 phrases Jacob says lately that make me laugh

1.     When he wants a lot of treats.  Jacob: “I want lots”.  Me, I will give you some.  Jacob rephrases: “I want many”

2.     When looked at something that is written down, “are those the number words?”

3.     When we are both talking and Jacob still has something he wants to say, “I still talking”

3 foods Jacob likes
             1. Pizza

             2. yogurt raisins

             3. any candy

3 things I love about Jacob:
             1.  His laugh
             2.  His smile
             3.  His love and concern for others.

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3 things on Jacob’s ever changing and long birthday wish list

1.     A big Mack truck

2.     Lots of race cars

3.     A big bouncy ball

I think he will be a happy birthday boy !!!  I am excited to celebrate his special day with him.  It has been hard for Rob and I to wait until the big day to give him his presents! 

Embracing Adoption

I know it has been forever since I wrote here…but in the last week or so a few people have asked about my adoption blog, so I figured since I had told them, yes I have a blog, then perhaps I should write in it.

It has been a busy few weeks and months.  Jacob started preschool and loves it.  Unfortunately for me, on the first day of school, his new friends shared a lovely cold with him, and he being the generous and kind boy that he is, he promptly shared it with me.  And lately whenever I get colds, they really hang on and worsen until I get some antibiotics to kick them out.  But, now I have some antibiotics and am feeling a little better.

Life is going well.  Jacob is busy as ever, silly as always, and lots of fun to be with.  I liked last week when he took me by the hand and said, “Mommy come, sit here... now tickle me.”  And so I did, and we laughed and had a good time.  I love laughing with my boy. 

Aside from giving a little update about us  (since I put a lot of pictures on our facebook page that show what we are up to on a day to day basis) I thought I would share something I wrote awhile back.  (I used to have a blog—but stopped shortly after we adopted Jacob) about findng joy in life… Infertility can be quite difficult and after our second unsuccessful in-vitro attempt I was struggling to find joy in the daily moments of my life.  My husband and I were moving towards the path of adoption, and I wanted and knew that my heart needed to heal.  My faith was fragile, my outlook jaded, and I was tired of feeling that way, so I tried to focus on the good and joyful things going on.  Anyhow, in that process, some people seemed to like what I wrote and I was once asked how I “came to terms with adoption”.  The following is of what I replied, with some minor additions or grammar corrections.

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I came to love and embrace adoption, but it was a process over time. 

At some point early on in our infertility (after a few unsuccessful treatments) and realizing that having a baby was not going to be as easy as we had hoped.  Around this same time I happened to walk past the store "Motherhood Maternity" while at the mall.  At that point I had a mini breakdown.  I sat down on a bench and felt sorry for myself.  I don't know if I outright cried, but I wanted too.  I was angry and felt justified in my anger at my body, God, and those that easily become pregnant, and just waltz into a store to buy maternity clothes. Would I ever go shopping for pants with stretchy waistbands or oversized shirts? Not that that was the best part about having a baby, but it was part of the process and I wanted to be able to do that.  I wanted to get pregnant and have a baby.  Was that too much to ask?    

I had always been open to adoption and loved hearing adoption stories, and as time went on with the infertility treatments not working out I began to realize that adoption might really be something we would be involved in.  As time went on I realized this focus of "wearing maternity clothes" was a bit myopic.  Time and the sheer fact that infertility treatment after infertility treatment failed led us to seriously consider adoption.  When I found out I had a unicornuate uterus (I will include a post about UU in case you are wondering what that is).  I learned that if I were blessed to become pregnant, bedrest, risk of miscarriage, preterm labor, and likely c-section were also things to be aware of.  I had to give up the idea I had that I would have a normal and natural pregnancy and delivery, let alone carry a baby to term.  Trying to have twins via in-vitro, IVF was also out of the question.  For me, these small bits of information helped me begin the process of accepting the fact that I would have to give up what little control I thought I had in the reproductive process.  

I realized there was more than one way to have children.  One way involved maternity clothes, morning sickness, hormone fluctuations, food cravings, ultrasound pictures, hearing the heartbeat and feeling the baby move and grow,, pregnancy announcements, registering for baby shower items, etc.  

The other way, adoption, would require any length of waiting period—maybe less than 9 months, maybe longer.  It would require us to be ok with giving up a lot of control—in that I mean—we would need to be ok with waiting or someone to think we would be good parents and then place their child with us and allow social workers to come in our home and also give us their stamp of approval.    We had to embrace and look forward to a different way of announcing to friends and family our hopes of adopting and also when we were “matched” or chosen by birthparents.  We experienced the excitement of seeing our child for the 1^st time too, it wasn’t via ultrasound, but after he was born—and it was amazing and unforgetteable.  With adoption we experienced an intense amount of stress and joy in short spans of time and were able to build relationships with people we wouldn’t have had we not adopted.    

So with time and this realization, it really wasn't that difficult for me to "come to terms" with adoption as a means of growing our family.  Sometimes, yes, I would have a tinge of sadness if I thought, I wonder what my biological child would've looked like?  Or if I was feeling anxious or unsure of myself I would think, "Why do I think I can be a good mother? or, “What if nobody thinks I can be a good mom and I am never given the chance to adopt a child?”, or "What if the child I adopt doesn't like me?”  It was one thing to take on the responsibility of bringing a biological child into the world, but to raise and parent an adoptive child really put pressure on me to think about whether or not I was up to the task of being a good mother.  Perhaps because I knew others (social workers, birthparents) would be thinking and asking the same thing.  I think these questions and feelings were normal and were important to recognize.  It was important to acknowledge the loss that it was---to set aside the dream of becoming pregnant and carrying your biological child.  I always recognized it as a unique and beautiful thing that I hoped to experience, so while it was a little sad and difficult to set that dream aside, it was something that happened gradually as I embraced and looked forward to a new dream—adoption.  I knew adopting a child was just as beautiful and unique and I was so excited to experience it and become a parent in that way.  I knew the child we would adopt would bring so much joy and happiness to us, and I could hardly wait.

I also like having an open adoption.  I really enjoyed getting to know my son's birth parents.  I liked learning about their personalities, traits, and physical characteristics.  My son gets his good looks from his birthparents, as well as other great characteristics.   I will be able to tell him about them and the great people they are. 

I think time and just the realization that if I wanted to have children—then was the way in which it could happen.  I read stories and articles about adoption and I saw it as something miraculous and amazing.  I realized that not many people have the opportunity to adopt a child, and that I was lucky to be able to have this unique experience.  And unique and amazing it has been.

I think serious consideration of adoption is just a natural progression that occurs if having a child biologically is not possible.  It doesn't mean the child I adopt is loved any less, or that I am sorry we turned to adoption to grow our family.  I truly hope my child will know that.   I hope society and people will realize that too.  I am so grateful to have adopted our son, it was been a great experience and amazing blessing in our lives.

To get to this place of embracing the adoption, there were other things that helped.  Writing in my journal helped me organize my thoughts and feelings. Reading the scriptures and uplifting talks by church leaders helped me feel at peace with my infertility and not be upset with my body's inability to become pregnant.  Reading other good of fun books helped me take my mind of things.   Prayer and patience was vital.   Exercising helped.  Loving friends and family helped me through difficult days.  Focusing and thinking about others needs helped me forget my own.  

Finding the funny things about infertility helped—I cannot tell you how many laughs Rob and I shared in doctor’s offices.  

Having a photo shoot before an in-vitro treatment.  

Sporting the blue hat and hospital gown as best I can.

I definitely don't miss that outfit.

The night or two before we left town to see our son in the hospital after his birth, I had to go to the mall.  I had trouble finding the item I was looking for and ended up walking to the side of the mall I rarely go to.  As I did so I saw a certain store-- you guessed it--Motherhood Maternity.   When I saw it, I realized I hadn't passed that store since that sad day years ago.  This time as I saw it, I just laughed.  It seemed a lifetime ago that I had sat there feeling sad and hopeless, because all I felt at that moment was joy and excitement that in a day or two I would be holding little Jacob in my arms.  That was such a great feeling. 

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Reading this 2+ yrs later brings back all those memories, and new ones with it.  Remembering those special first days we had Jacob with us in our home were some of the happiest I have ever had in my life.  We felt so much joy and love —it was just amazing.  I will never forget what a special time that was for me and for our family. 

A Mother's Day Story

I heard this quote in a little video about mothers, and I liked it:  "Every time a child is born, so is a mother".   That is how I felt when Jacob was born.  That was the day I became a mother.  I am always especially grateful to Jacob's birth parents on Mother's Day, when I think of the gift of Motherhood than they gave me when they allowed Rob and me to parent and raise Jacob. 

Since it is Mother's Day I thought I would share a few thoughts I had about when I became a mother and an experience that caused me to reflect on it a few months after we had adopted Jacob.  

The following are some of the thoughts I had written over 2 years ago...

Last week (over 2 yrs ago) a friend from work invited me to hang out with her and her moms group.  I decided to join her and had a nice time.  At lunchtime we went to the food court and while there I overheard some of the ladies discussing their children's "birth stories".  I was a few seats over from them, so I wasn't engaged in their conversation, but over the noise of the food court I heard the words: labor, epidural, dilated, tired, and c-section, just to name a few.  I wondered if they would ask me how Jacob’s birth went, but to be honest, I felt a bit like an outsider.  If I had a birth story like theirs it would have been natural to join in.  But, I didn't, and I wondered what I would say and how I would share about Jacob’s adoption if they were to ask.

Trust me, I am not embarrassed in the least to tell people about Jacob’s adoption.  I just didn't know these ladies that well, and it didn't come up.  And I don’t know how much I would’ve actually shared in a noisy food court with people I didn’t even know. 

But, the more I thought about birth stories and about what and how I would share of our story, the more I wished I had been asked about his birth. When I think about a “birth story” and what I may have shared, these are a few thoughts that come to mind. 

I know a few details about his actual birth I could share, but a huge part of his birth story is his adoption story.  So I would obviously share that we adopted Jacob and what that experience was like for us.   I might share how anxious I was to hear news about Jacob on the day of his delivery.   I might talk about how stressed I was making sure flowers were delivered to his birthmother.  And how I was an emotional mess when there was a glitch with the flower delivery.  I could tell them about how we went out to dinner to celebrate Jacob’s birthday.  Not many new moms can do that.  

I could also share how we packed up our favorite snacks and all of his gear,  (including more formula than he could probably drink in a month) to take with us as we traveled to meet Jacob for the first time.  I might also tell them how the social worker and I were wearing the same style and color shirt when we went to meet up with everyone in the hospital for the first time.   Oh well, nothing I could do about it. 

Of course I would tell about how Jacob was so cute and little.  And how I fell in love with him the minute I laid eyes on him.  (I loved him before I had met him, but to see him and hold him, was so special).  I would tell about how I got to feed him while I was there and how I was praying he wouldn’t fuss or spit up while I was feeding or holding him.  He did great by the way.  And how I was trying to just be myself and not stress about things out of my control.   I could share how this time while we were in town we had actually found a hotel in the area with a decent bed to sleep on.  Not that I slept much that first night.  I was too excited and my mind was going a mile a minute.  And when I did finally fall asleep, the hospital I worked for woke me up when they called and left a voice message asking me if I could come in and work a shift for them that next morning.  Thanks but no thanks for the wake up call.  Oh well. 

Anyhow, there is much more I could share—about how much Jacob’s birth parents love Jacob and how we are forever grateful to them for choosing Rob and me to be his parents.  Perhaps I would have been asked about the process of adoption and if I had been nervous, etc.  I would have said, most definitely I was nervous—that is part of the adoption process.  But everything worked out.  I bet Jacob’s birthparents were nervous as well.  I would talk about my love and respect for Jacob’s birth parents.  I’m sure I would be asked if we still have contact with them.  I would explain a little about how we share pictures or news about Jacob with them.  I might tell how the night we adopted Jacob we gave a few gifts to his birth parents and met some of their family members.  And then I would share how special it was to drive home sitting in the backseat next to tiny little Jacob while we called family members to share our news with all of them.   I would share how happy we were and how excited everyone was to hear about Jacob.  As I reread this I feel the same feelings I felt as I wrote it the first time.  I am smiling and my heart feels so happy.  I am so blessed to have Jacob in my life.   These are some things I might share as part of Jacob’s birth story. 

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Now I have some additional things to add to what I shared from what I wrote over 2 yrs ago.   I didn’t write in that journal entry I shared, but I definitely thought about Jacob’s birth parents.  I tried to imagine and think about how they might be feeling.  We tried to share frequent pictures and text messages in those first weeks and let them know they were in our thoughts and prayers.  We all loved Jacob and I could imagine how much they missed him, especially in those first few days and weeks.  I was grateful for the love they showed us and the love they continue to show us.  They are such amazing and great people.  And I hope Jacob’s birth mother feels of our love and remembers we are thinking about her today on this special day--Mother’s Day. 

Now another little story to finish things up…

I was actually at a food court this last week with a few moms I didn’t know that well.  I was asked if and when I was going to have more kids.  I said, we were hoping to adopt again (they didn’t know we had adopted Jacob), and then they asked a few questions about adoption, etc. 

I didn’t share all of the lovely and emotional parts of what I just wrote here, but I explained a little bit about adoption and answered their questions.  People always want to know when Jacob came home with us and about our relationship with his birth parents.  So I shared a bit about that, and then I was asking Jacob if he remembered when he saw his birth parents, (I of course used their names when I asked him, but won’t share them here).  His eyes lit up and he smiled when I said their names and I think he repeated them as well.  Which made me smile and feel happy. 

I shared how the other day while leaving Target, I had a good laugh when Jacob asked me, “Where’s my brother?”  (yesterday he also asked where his sister was—so he will be happy with either a brother or a sister).  I also told them how Jacob has a book about the human body.  He loves this book.  It shows a skeleton, muscles, etc. 

Also in the book is a page that shows several pictures of a baby growing and developing inside a mom’s belly.  He loves to look at those pictures, and has always loved babies.  So after I explained a little bit about that page he always talks about how babies grow inside their mommies.  He has then tried to say I have a baby in my belly.  I have told him I don’t and I have also told him he grew inside his birth mother’s belly.  After telling him this I showed him a picture we have of his birth parents when his birth mother was pregnant.  I explained to him how he used to be tiny and be inside her belly.  I don’t know how much he really understands, but he had seen this picture before, but ever since I pointed that out to him in connection with the other picture in his book, he loves to look at that picture and that makes me happy.  I want him to know how much his birth parents mean to us and how much they love him.  And I want him to love them as well.  I shared a little bit about all this that I wrote with them, and they thought it was really cool.  They're right--it is.  :)

Adoption is part of Jacob’s birth story.  It is a part of our family’s story and I am very grateful it is.   I love that as he gets older I can share more of it with him and I hope he will feel how special and loved he is when he hears or thinks about it.  

Thank you for taking the time to read it as well.   These experiences are dear to my heart.