Doggedly determined

--> So, yesterday I wrote a depressing post about my frustration with the adoption process and having to wait for someone to choose me.  As I laid on my bed crying and feeling sorry for myself, the thought came to my mind, that the problem was not that someone didn’t want to choose me, but that they hadn’t found me yet.  This thought helped me get off the bed and formulate another plan of action.  I am going to find our child and I will not give up.   Call it perseverance, determination, or call it stubbornness.  On this thing I will not budge.  I will not give up on finding my child or his/her birthparents. 

Obviously, that is what I have been trying to do all along, getting the word out about our adoption so we could be found, but yesterday when things seemed to be at a standstill, I made the mistake of entertaining negative thoughts and questions.  So the next time my mind tries to drag me down and have me entertain the stupid question: “What’s wrong with me?”   I have my answer ready—Nothing!  There’s nothing wrong with me.   Things will work out, I just have to keep at it and not give up.  This isn't about me, this is about my child and those connected with adoption.  Sounds simple enough.  And yes, it sounds a little hard at the same time.  But I can do hard things.  That's where being stubborn about somethings really comes in handy.   

I am not sure what I will do differently or in addition to find our child or to help his/her birth parents find us, but I will persevere through this and I will not give up.

I was curious to read more about what it means to be stubborn, and I liked the definition I found on the internet.  Stubborn:  having or showing dogged determination not to change one's attitude or position on something.  I like the idea of being doggedly determined about adoption. 

We will have more children join our family.  That's all there is to it.   And the whirlwind of excitement and joy and sleeplessness that comes from having another baby in the house will occur and it will all have been worth it. 

Feeling frustrated.

This is the part of adoption that is really hard.  When you are just waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and…well you get the idea.  We have had an adoption profile up for 2 years now in hopes of adopting another child.  I have had a blog, I have told everyone I know about our desire to adopt, I have a public facebook page about our adoption, but here I am 2 yrs later, the day after renewing our home study yet again and I just feel frustrated and deflated with this whole process. 

I try to ignore my mind trying to get me to focus on the unanswerable questions like-- Why do I have to wait so long to have another child?  Why can’t I have any control in building my family?  Why doesn’t anyone choose us?  But there is no answer to those questions and so there is no point in focusing on them.  But it sure is hard not to sometimes.  Like most anything in life, no one else really knows how hard something is until they experience it themselves, and based on our different life experiences, some things are harder for some people.  All I know is that having  no control over the thing I want most, and having to wait and wait to be chosen is a hard thing for me. 

That’s all I have to say.  I don’t feel like writing anything cheery at the moment.  I know on these profiles and blogs I’m supposed to present my best self and “sell” or “market” myself.   But obviously I am not doing a good job, so here I am telling everyone, I am a real, normal, ordinary person who feels so frustrated and sad that I can’t seem to have children join my family no matter how hard I try.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go curl up in bed and finish crying my eyes out.