Message about Open Adoption from Jacob's Birth Father

Hello, my name is David - I am Jacob's birth father. I'd like to share a few words regarding open adoption. I pray that my words will suffice to express my gratitude for this miracle in efforts to illustrate the peace and comfort that open adoption brings. 

Sometimes we are faced with unplanned adversities that take us by surprise. In most cases, these situations stimulate fear and doubt within us. They sometimes make us feel hopeless and suddenly we feel weak and see no light in our lives. Even, we may feel like it is the end of the world. This is how I felt four years ago as I discovered that an innocent soul was en route to this world. I recall desperately asking myself questions like "What am I going to do now...I can barely take care of myself. I'm not prepared to care for a child. I have nothing to offer to this child. I'm not economically 'nor spiritually stabled...what type of example am I going to be?" At age 23 I had no idea where my life was going to end up. But then I remembered that my Heavenly Father never leaves us...especially during difficult moments. So I decided to pray. 

I prayed to Him because I knew that He knows what's best for each of us. He understands our circumstances better than we do. So, after much prayer and pondering, we were prompted to place Jacob for adoption. But we wanted to keep Jacob to ourselves, despite knowing that we had very little to give him. I could have worked two jobs...even three if needed; I could have spent numerous moments with Jacob; I could have loved him and supported him without a problem. But unfortunately I could not give him what is most important - an Eternal Family. I quickly learned that Jacob's eternal happiness was much more important than my own earthly happiness. And so I am blessed and grateful for the miracle of adoption. 

After meeting Rob and Jana a few times, we exchanged many loving words of comfort and sincerity. We decided to place Jacob in their lives in an open adoption. Although at first I was worried about Rob and Jana not honoring their word of open adoption, that concern quickly went away by their loyal actions. They've kept their word and they always go the extra mile to keep me updated on Jacob's well-being and growth. Numerous pictures, videos, emails, and visits have flourished our relationship throughout these past 4 years. And today, I am blessed to be able to say that they are family to me and I have a deep and an eternal love for each of them.

Adoption has helped me gain a testimony about love. True and sincere selfless Love. After placing Jacob in adoption, I was able to feel a glimpse of the love that Heavenly Father has for each of us. I was able to feel that in spite of the pain and sorrow that we can feel when dealing with adoption. Open adoption provides us with peace and comfort by enabling us to give an innocent soul the most precious gift - Eternal Happiness with an Eternal Family. Moreover, open adoption enables us the opportunity to continue witnessing the growth and happiness of the individual that we most love. I am grateful for open adoption and especially blessed for having placed Jacob in the arms of Rob and Jana. I will always love them and they will always be my family :)  

"Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness...provide for their physical and spiritual needs...and to teach them to observe the commandments of God...Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations...Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony."

- THE FAMILY, A Proclamation to The World

Grief in Adoption

"So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light... Just promise me that we'll be alright "  --Mumford & Sons

That is the quote that keeps running through my head right now as I try to ignore the emotions and thoughts that come with the other words that are competing for space in my head right now: 

Rejected. Again.  

I've lost count how many times this has happened in this adoption journey.

But each time it happens it hurts.  A lot.  Part of me wants to try to guard my heart.  But I can't.  And I suppose a part of me doesn't want to.  But when things don't work out it is really hard and all I can hope is that someday this journey will end and I will see the light and love in another one of my child's eyes.

When I know we our profile is being considered--even if I know it is a long shot, I choose to hope.  I suppose I'm a glutton for punishment.  Because each time I receive the news that we weren't chosen the darkness and grief returns with a vengeance.  I think I choose to hope each time because I want to.  I want to be excited and happy about the prospect as long as possible, because I know how much it will hurt even if I try to not be excited.   And when we are chosen, I want to have been excited and to have felt the anticipation in every step of the process.  So this time, at least for the last day and a half my mind was filled with possibilities and hope.  But now, I feel as though I have run smack into a brick wall.  I feel sad, angry, frustrated, lost, pathetic, rejected, and yes ungrateful.

I know I am so blessed.  So incredibly blessed to have been able to adopt a child.  Now after having been rejected so many times I realize even more how miraculous it is to have Jacob in my life.  And I am filled with gratitude to his birth parents who placed him in our care.  That thought brings happiness and some healing to my broken heart.

As I was (and still am) sitting in my grief and sadness I read this quote: "Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith...It is the price of love." author unknown

And so I will pay the price.  Because at this time, apparently that is the price that for us, needs to be paid.  I do think waiting and wanting children to come to our family has made me (personally) a better mother.  But I would be happy to stop waiting anytime!!  Also, knowing the sacrifice others made so I could be Jacob's mom is always present in my mind.  The sacred trust his birth parents placed with us to love and care for Jacob is a great responsibility and one that we do not take lightly.   

Well, I know I'll feel better in the morning.  Part of me didn't want to stop feeling sad.  I just wanted to grieve.  Another loss, another step further away or closer in this journey--which ever way you want to look at it.  As I was crying I was reminded of something a friend shared with me a couple of months ago about weeping.  She said that weeping was a gift to cleanse the aching soul.  And so I took some time to weep and feel that hurt and that loss, because my soul was aching.

Now I suppose it's time to stop letting the depressing Why? questions and rejected feelings press upon my mind and either ask myself some better questions or fill my mind with happy things.

Like this little guy...

I can't help but smile and feel happy looking at that picture!  

So I think I will just sit and stare at it for awhile. 

To those of you who sat with my in my grief for a little bit, thank you.  I so appreciate your love and friendship. 

-- Jana

What we hope to teach our children

For some time I have been meaning to write about some topics that might help birth parents have a better understanding of some things are important to Rob and me.  So I decided to take a little time to do that tonight.

One thing that is important to us is teaching our children and also helping them have a good education. 

Growing up, education was always important in my home.  Both of my parents went to college, which was great, but I particularly admired my mom because she was the first person in her family to go to college.  She studied to become a teacher and she was a fabulous teacher to me as a child and to her students in her classroom.  I grew up knowing how important it was to study and to learn.  My mom read hundreds of books to me.  She would get the biggest stack from the library and read until she fell asleep.  My love for reading comes from her.  And I have a particular soft spot in my heart for children’s books.

Rob also grew up knowing the importance of an education.  His parents helped him think long term about college.  They also taught him how to work.  From a young age he spent the summers working and learning the value of hard work.  This has served him well and he credits his parents for teaching him this. 

I used to like the quote “knowledge is power” until it dawned on me that while knowing something was good, it was not enough.  Knowledge is important, but it is what a person does with that knowledge that is vital.  Application of knowledge helps a person get results and be successful and hopefully feel fulfilled.

So to sum it up, it is important to Rob and me not only that our children learn, (and we hope that they cultivate a love for learning), but that they learn how to work hard and use what they learn and love to lead a fulfilling and happy life. 

That being said, I will share another quote I like:  “A lot of parents will do anything for their kids except let them be themselves”.  Now this quote could be generalized and applied to a host of parenting topics.  In the context of what I have written about learning and work, I think it applies quite well to the idea that everyone is different, has different strengths, talents, passions, etc.  And trying to dictate to your child what career or course of study they need to take is ill advised and sets everyone up for failure.  So while we have hopes and aspirations for our children we are well aware that we can’t make them do something they refuse to do or have no interest in doing.  And that is not the kind of parents we would ever want to be.   We don’t want to force them to do or be something they don’t want to be or that they aren’t.  We want our children we to be kind, good, hard working, and successful in their chosen field, and we want to have a fulfilling and happy relationship with them.

Now Jacob is only four and the things a four year old needs to learn are different than what a 14 yr old needs to learn.  Sure there are some things that we learn and relearn throughout our lives.  But a few things we are trying to do with Jacob right now are—We take time to read to him everyday—We read him stories, and I am also working on teaching him to read.  He is doing pretty well too.  His favorite word is CAT, but he is getting more confident with a lot of other words as well. 

We also hope Jacob learns Spanish, so we try to speak a little bit everyday as well.  His favorite phrase is “es mio”  (it’s mine) we take turns trying to grab or pull a toy from one another.   It’s a fun game we play. 

Another thing we want our children to learn is how to reach out and serve others.  Over a year ago I started going with Jacob to deliver food to the elderly through Meals on Wheels.  We usually just go once a month and at first it was a challenge with him just because he was smaller and it was a large apt complex we were navigating with food, etc.  But as time has gone on, I have seen how much he loves it and I really look forward to it as well.  The people are so sweet and they love seeing Jacob.  I am so glad we took a tiny bit of time out of our month to help in this small way.  And Rob and I hope we can cultivate a love for others in the hearts of Jacob and the other children we have. 

I’ll share a funny story about Jacob to finish up.  Rob caught a bad cough/cold during Christmas vacation and one morning after Jacob woke up he asked how Daddy was doing.  I said, let’s go check on him.  So we did.  Jacob walked into our room and Rob was lying on the bed, and Jacob asked him, “How are you doing Daddy?”

Rob responded, “I’m okay, thanks for coming by to say hi” (or something like that). 

Then Jacob and I walked out of the room so Rob could continue to rest.  As we were walking down the hallway, Jacob stopped and asked me, “Mom, why am I learning to be a parent?” 

I laughed and said something to the effect that everyday we are learning and that someday he would be a parent and so that is why we try to teach him how to be good and kind. 

And so I guess that’s what I am doing.  Someday--and everyone always tells me it will happen before I know it—which someday sounds nice, but most days I just want him to stay four and fun forever).  But yes someday he will grow up and leave the nest and Rob and I will hope we have given him the tools he needs to succeed.

 

I am always looking for ways to make learning fun.  Jacob enjoyed using these stamps to make words and practice his letters.

Thankful Heart

November is National Adoption Month.  I think that is fitting because November is the month where we take extra time to remember our blessings and the things we are grateful for. 

Rob and I are so thankful for adoption.  We are grateful to Jacob’s birth parents for choosing us to be his parents.  Just knowing how much they love him and how they have placed him in my care helps us be better parents.  

I am so thankful they gave me the opportunity and blessing to be a mother.  The same is true for Rob in becoming a father.  Being a mother and having a family is one of my blessings that I am most thankful for.  My heart is always filled with love and gratitude when I think of Jacob’s birth parents.  And I am grateful for the opportunity to remember and recognize them formally for National Adoption Month.  Thank you for forever blessing our lives!

"When I count my blessings, I count you twice"  Irish Proverb

Jacob drew this picture of him and his birth parents.  (he is a baby in the belly on the right)

Jacob drew this picture of me on the wall this week. 

We are so thankful for our little big kid Jacob.  We have been blessed beyond measure.

My lovely life

Hello there.  I have been kind of MIA on social media of late.  But as I was loading these pictures (from August through October), I wanted to share them.  I am kind of bad about loading pictures on my computer and usually do them in a big batch.  It was so fun seeing these pictures and remember the fun times we've had.  

Jacob had a birthday.  He is 4 now.  Life had been a little busy and so we weren't planning on having a party w/ friends for him, but I knew he was kind of expecting one.  So one night just a week or two before his b-day we told him that we were going to celebrate his birthday just the three of us and we would have a lot of fun.  I then casually asked him, "how does that sound?"  Without missing a beat he said, "not good."  LOL  oh that boy, he makes me laugh.  Well, so not wanting to destroy his b-day dreams we had a small party with some of his friends at a local park.  We were glad that many of his friends could join him in celebrating his day and helping him feel special. 

Jacob is so big now and can do so many things.  He is so fun and I love him so much.  A couple of months ago he learned to ride a two wheeled bike.  

 Jacob had his first season of t-ball.  It was so much fun to watch.  I don't know who had more fun--me or him.  I loved watching Jacob run around, dig in the dirt, learn to climb a fence, make snow angels in the dirt, toss his helmet, you name it he did it.  It was great.

I will include captions for some photos...

 We did a number game--as you can see it was quite a hodge podge of items.  It was lots of fun.  And Jacob no longer skips numbers 7 and 8!  Success!

 For about a week straight Jacob wore this Mexican hat most everywhere.  It was hilarious.  I love when he gets into the music and also I love how he was using a plastic snake to carry his bucket and slipped his sword into his shirt. 

 My big kid ready for the 1st day of school. Preschool is going great.  He loves it! His teachers are great.

Jacob had so much fun with his grandparents. 

Ready to play ball!

Birthday time!

We didn't have a chance to open presents at the party and it was late when we got home, so we were going to open them the next morning.  Well, Jacob had opened them all before we woke up.  It was pretty funny.

Resting in his spiderweb.

Having fun at the pumpkin patch.  The weather was great and it was so fun to spend time there as a family. 

Ready for some kung fu with Kung Fu Panda

Hello

Hello there,

Yes, we still have a blog.  As you can see I need to dust it off.  With a busy toddler, it doesn't get too much attention.  I am much better at posting a quick picture on FB or instagram.  I have a few posts that I start, but then never get around to finishing b/c my time and attention is needed elsewhere.  

But we are doing well, having fun, and keeping busy.

The weather was nice today so in the afternoon we rode bikes up and down the culdesac.  I am so glad we got Jacob a balance/glider bike.  He is a pro on it.  We "race" down the street.  He says, let's race, and then says, "Mark, set, nine go!"  But leaves when he says "set" so he can get a head start.  He goes on his bike and I go on my scooter and halfway down as I start to pass him he shouts, "I win!"

Don't try to correct him by telling him to say, "I won!"  b/c he will then think you are saying that you won, and you didn't  :)

Since we are talking about funny things he says, I love how instead of saying, "never mind", he will say, "never my mind".  Rob will try to correct him to no avail.  But I like how he says it, so I let it be and just laugh.  And later tonight Rob started saying "never my mind", so Jacob was happy to hear Rob was finally learning how to say it correctly.  :)

Like I said, the weather was nice and we rode bike/scooters.  But unfortunately, Jacob came across a few fire ants while we were out--and they bit him pretty bad so he was hurting, but we raced home as fast as we could and I tried a home remedy trick I had learned (putting bleach on the bite as quickly as possible), and he hasn't complained of the bites since.  And fire ant bits hurt and burn, so I was glad that worked.  (of course, clean the bleach off the skin afterwards.  I looked up once about this home remedy last summer after hearing about it, and also tried it when he fell in a huge pile of ants and got bit all over.  He didn't complain even once about the 10+ bites he got after treating them this way). 

I know I have a bunch of pics and video of him riding his bike, but of course I can't find any at the moment.  Guess I will just have to take more the next time we go out!  But here he is "fixing" his bike.  :)

Later that evening we saw a lizard on the side of the house, and Jacob was pretty excited about that.  When I asked what we should name him, he said, "billy body".  That is his silly word for everything.

He has also been into saying peanut butter before every word, ie: peanu tbutter hat, peanut butter belly, etc.  there is no end to words you can say with peanut butter in front of, and it is silly and hilarious every time :) 

So there you go, a little home remedy for fire ants and some silly words to keep you smiling courtesy of Jacob. 

The drive home

Jacob and I had a fun day at a museum downtown and on our way home we had a fun conversation.  We talked about cousins and family and being a daddy.  (I just use the first letters of the names of his cousins.)   

J (Jacob): Is B my cousin? 

Me: Yes

J: And C and K?

Me: Yes

J: Are they my friends?

Me: Y

A minute passes

J: Can we talk about my cousins again?  Who are my cousins?

Me: I list off all of his cousins: B, C, K, B, T, M, K,C,

J: Who is C?

Me: He is your cousin.

J: Where does he live?

Me: California

J: Oh

Me: You have a few more cousins, N, & I.

He repeats their names

Me: You also have a cousin E

J: E is my cousin

Me: Yes, and L

J: L? is Carolyn my cousin (his friend Carolyn has a brother with the same name as his cousin)

Me: No, that is your friend and neighbor, you have a cousin L who lives in California

J: Oh, is that Henry’s L? 

Me: No,that is a different L. 

J: Oh, cousin L is a different L?

Me: Yes. 

J: Oh.

Me: And you have a cousin T

J: Are my cousins my friends?

Me: Yes, And A is your cousin

J: Oh, A is my cousin. Is S (A’s mom) my cousin?

Me: No, she is your aunt

J: Is she my friend?

Me: Yes

J: Is Grandma my cousin?

Me: No, Grandma is your grandma

J: Is she my friend?

Me: Yes, your Grandma is your friend

J: Is my Grandpa my friend?

Me: Yes

J: Is my great grandpa my friend?

Me: Yes.

J: He’s a good guy

I laugh.  Me: Yes he is.

J: Can we talk about my cousins again?

Me: Sure, why not. 

And on it goes. He lists their names, stops when one is similar to a friend of his and figures out if it is his cousin or not.  Talks about where each one of them lives, etc.  If only I could capture his cute little voice rattling all of it off.  It is just awesome.

Next little conversation:

J: Are we going home?
Me: Yes.

J: When I get home I will be a daddy

Me: Ok, what will you do as a daddy?

J: I will get married. 

Me: Then what will you do?

J: I will work and hmmm I will go to a meeting. I will go to a class and exercise. I will cook food. I will buy food. I will be a daddy

Me:I just smile and laugh

I loved talking with Jacob on our drive home today.  He makes me laugh.  I love seeing the world and life through his eyes.  It is so simple to him.  Cousins are friends and friends are friends.  And Jacob wants to be a daddy.  I have no words of wisdom to add to what Jacob said.  All I can do is smile.  Jacob is a special boy and brings so much happiness to my life.

 Jacob at the museum.  I also love the massive pile of coats behind him.  There were lots of school groups with us on this cold day.  Hope nobody lost their coat :)