That is the quote that keeps running through my head right now as I try to ignore the emotions and thoughts that come with the other words that are competing for space in my head right now:
Rejected. Again.
I've lost count how many times this has happened in this adoption journey.
But each time it happens it hurts. A lot. Part of me wants to try to guard my heart. But I can't. And I suppose a part of me doesn't want to. But when things don't work out it is really hard and all I can hope is that someday this journey will end and I will see the light and love in another one of my child's eyes.
When I know we our profile is being considered--even if I know it is a long shot, I choose to hope. I suppose I'm a glutton for punishment. Because each time I receive the news that we weren't chosen the darkness and grief returns with a vengeance. I think I choose to hope each time because I want to. I want to be excited and happy about the prospect as long as possible, because I know how much it will hurt even if I try to not be excited. And when we are chosen, I want to have been excited and to have felt the anticipation in every step of the process. So this time, at least for the last day and a half my mind was filled with possibilities and hope. But now, I feel as though I have run smack into a brick wall. I feel sad, angry, frustrated, lost, pathetic, rejected, and yes ungrateful.
I know I am so blessed. So incredibly blessed to have been able to adopt a child. Now after having been rejected so many times I realize even more how miraculous it is to have Jacob in my life. And I am filled with gratitude to his birth parents who placed him in our care. That thought brings happiness and some healing to my broken heart.
As I was (and still am) sitting in my grief and sadness I read this quote: "Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith...It is the price of love." author unknown
And so I will pay the price. Because at this time, apparently that is the price that for us, needs to be paid. I do think waiting and wanting children to come to our family has made me (personally) a better mother. But I would be happy to stop waiting anytime!! Also, knowing the sacrifice others made so I could be Jacob's mom is always present in my mind. The sacred trust his birth parents placed with us to love and care for Jacob is a great responsibility and one that we do not take lightly.
Well, I know I'll feel better in the morning. Part of me didn't want to stop feeling sad. I just wanted to grieve. Another loss, another step further away or closer in this journey--which ever way you want to look at it. As I was crying I was reminded of something a friend shared with me a couple of months ago about weeping. She said that weeping was a gift to cleanse the aching soul. And so I took some time to weep and feel that hurt and that loss, because my soul was aching.
Now I suppose it's time to stop letting the depressing Why? questions and rejected feelings press upon my mind and either ask myself some better questions or fill my mind with happy things.
Like this little guy...
 | |
I can't help but smile and feel happy looking at that picture!
So I think I will just sit and stare at it for awhile.
To those of you who sat with my in my grief for a little bit, thank you. I so appreciate your love and friendship.
-- Jana
No comments:
Post a Comment
Thanks for stopping by