I know it has been forever since I wrote here…but in
the last week or so a few people have asked about my adoption blog, so I
figured since I had told them, yes I have a blog, then perhaps I should write
in it.
It has been a busy few weeks and months. Jacob started preschool and loves
it. Unfortunately for me, on the
first day of school, his new friends shared a lovely cold with him, and he
being the generous and kind boy that he is, he promptly shared it with me. And lately whenever I get colds, they really
hang on and worsen until I get some antibiotics to kick them out. But, now I have some antibiotics and am
feeling a little better.
Life is going well. Jacob is busy as ever, silly as always, and lots of fun to
be with. I liked last week when he took me by the hand and said, “Mommy come, sit here... now tickle me.” And so I did, and we laughed and had a
good time. I love laughing with my boy.
Aside from giving a little update about us (since I put a lot of pictures on our
facebook page that show what we are up to on a day to day basis) I thought I
would share something I wrote awhile back. (I used to have a blog—but stopped shortly after we adopted
Jacob) about findng joy in life… Infertility can be quite difficult and after our second unsuccessful in-vitro attempt I was struggling to find joy in the daily moments of my
life. My husband and I were moving
towards the path of adoption, and I wanted and knew that my heart needed to
heal. My faith was fragile, my outlook jaded, and I was tired of feeling
that way, so I tried to focus on the good and joyful things going on. Anyhow, in that process, some people
seemed to like what I wrote and I was once asked how I “came to terms with
adoption”. The following is of what
I replied, with some minor additions or grammar corrections.
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I came
to love and embrace adoption, but it was a process over time.
At some point
early on in our infertility (after a few unsuccessful treatments) and realizing
that having a baby was not going to be as easy as we had hoped. Around this same time I happened to
walk past the store "Motherhood Maternity" while at the mall.
At that point I had a mini breakdown. I sat down on a bench and
felt sorry for myself. I don't know if I outright cried, but I wanted
too. I was angry and felt justified in my anger at my body, God, and
those that easily become pregnant, and just waltz into a store to buy maternity
clothes. Would I ever go shopping for pants with stretchy waistbands or oversized shirts? Not that that was the best part about having a baby, but it was part of the process and I wanted to be able to do that. I wanted to
get pregnant and have a baby. Was that too much to ask?
I had always
been open to adoption and loved hearing adoption stories, and as time went on
with the infertility treatments not working out I began to realize that
adoption might really be something we would be involved in. As time went
on I realized this focus of "wearing maternity clothes" was a bit
myopic. Time and the sheer fact that infertility treatment after
infertility treatment failed led us to seriously consider adoption. When
I found out I had a unicornuate uterus (I will include a post about UU in case
you are wondering what that is). I
learned that if I were blessed to become pregnant, bedrest, risk of
miscarriage, preterm labor, and likely c-section were also things to be aware
of. I had to give up the idea I had
that I would have a normal and natural pregnancy and delivery, let alone carry
a baby to term. Trying to have twins via in-vitro, IVF was also out of
the question. For me, these small bits of information helped me begin the
process of accepting the fact that I would have to give up what little control
I thought I had in the reproductive process.
I realized
there was more than one way to have children. One way involved maternity
clothes, morning sickness, hormone fluctuations, food cravings, ultrasound
pictures, hearing the heartbeat and feeling the baby move and grow,, pregnancy
announcements, registering for baby shower items, etc.
The other way,
adoption, would require any length of waiting period—maybe less than 9 months,
maybe longer. It would require us
to be ok with giving up a lot of control—in that I mean—we would need to be ok
with waiting or someone to think we would be good parents and then place their
child with us and allow social workers to come in our home and also give us
their stamp of approval.
We had to embrace and look forward to a different way of announcing to
friends and family our hopes of adopting and also when we were “matched” or
chosen by birthparents. We
experienced the excitement of seeing our child for the 1st time too,
it wasn’t via ultrasound, but after he was born—and it was amazing and
unforgetteable. With adoption we
experienced an intense amount of stress and joy in short spans of time and were
able to build relationships with people we wouldn’t have had we not
adopted.
So with time
and this realization, it really wasn't that difficult for me to "come
to terms" with adoption as a means of growing our family. Sometimes,
yes, I would have a tinge of sadness if I thought, I wonder what my biological
child would've looked like? Or if I was feeling anxious or unsure of
myself I would think, "Why do I think I can be a good mother? or, “What if
nobody thinks I can be a good mom and I am never given the chance to adopt a
child?”, or "What if the child I adopt doesn't like me?” It was one
thing to take on the responsibility of bringing a biological child into the
world, but to raise and parent an adoptive child really put pressure on me to
think about whether or not I was up to the task of being a good mother.
Perhaps because I knew others (social workers, birthparents) would be thinking
and asking the same thing. I think
these questions and feelings were normal and were important to recognize.
It was important to acknowledge the loss that it was---to set aside the
dream of becoming pregnant and carrying your biological child. I always
recognized it as a unique and beautiful thing that I hoped to experience, so while
it was a little sad and difficult to set that dream aside, it was something
that happened gradually as I embraced and looked forward to a new dream—adoption. I knew adopting a child was just as
beautiful and unique and I was so excited to experience it and become a parent
in that way. I knew the child we
would adopt would bring so much joy and happiness to us, and I could hardly
wait.
I also like having
an open adoption. I really enjoyed getting to know my son's birth
parents. I liked learning about their personalities, traits, and physical
characteristics. My son gets his good looks from his birthparents, as
well as other great characteristics.
I will be able to tell him
about them and the great people they are.
I think time
and just the realization that if I wanted to have children—then was the way in
which it could happen. I read
stories and articles about adoption and I saw it as something miraculous and
amazing. I realized that not many people have the opportunity to adopt a
child, and that I was lucky to be able to have this unique experience.
And unique and amazing it has been.
I think
serious consideration of adoption is just a natural progression that occurs if
having a child biologically is not possible. It doesn't mean the child I
adopt is loved any less, or that I am sorry we turned to adoption to grow our
family. I truly hope my child will
know that. I hope society and people will realize that too. I
am so grateful to have adopted our son, it was been a great experience and
amazing blessing in our lives.
To get to this
place of embracing the adoption, there were other things that helped. Writing in my journal helped me organize
my thoughts and feelings. Reading the scriptures and uplifting talks by church
leaders helped me feel at peace with my infertility and not be upset with my
body's inability to become pregnant.
Reading other good of fun books helped me take my mind of things. Prayer and patience was vital. Exercising helped. Loving friends and family
helped me through difficult days. Focusing
and thinking about others needs helped me forget my own.
Finding the
funny things about infertility helped—I cannot tell you how many laughs Rob and
I shared in doctor’s offices.
Having a photo shoot before an in-vitro treatment.
Sporting the blue hat and hospital gown as best I can.
I definitely don't miss that outfit.
The night or two before we left town to see our son in the hospital after his birth, I had to go to the mall. I had trouble finding the item I was looking for and ended up walking to the side of the mall I rarely go to. As I did so I saw a certain store-- you guessed it--Motherhood Maternity. When I saw it, I realized I hadn't passed that store since that sad day years ago. This time as I saw it, I just laughed. It seemed a lifetime ago that I had sat there feeling sad and hopeless, because all I felt at that moment was joy and excitement that in a day or two I would be holding little Jacob in my arms. That was such a great feeling.
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Reading this
2+ yrs later brings back all those memories, and new ones with it. Remembering those special first days we
had Jacob with us in our home were some of the happiest I have ever had in my
life. We felt so much joy and love
—it was just amazing. I will never
forget what a special time that was for me and for our family.
